A Letter to Young Christian Women

I’m finally at an age when younger Christian women might look up to me for “wisdom” and advice. That is a daunting thought and I don’t feel at all qualified to be that person. Somehow, though, in spite of what I know are major flaws and weaknesses, I have been through enough trials and struggles to be able, perhaps, to provide some insight and perspective. After having been around for so long, I have made some observations and come to certain conclusions that no one would have been able to explain to me years ago. Some things you have to see, experience, and understand for yourself. For instance, the following is a great truth that is becoming more powerful to me as time goes on: One of the most important things a newly-married Christian couple will ever hear is that their marriage is triangular. God is the top “point,” and the husband and wife are the others. The spouses will stay connected and their marriage will be a healthy one if they acknowledge God in His proper place; He is not only an integral part, but most importantly, He is at the top. The more the couple draws near to Him, the closer to each other they will also be.

It is not difficult, unfortunately, to lose sight of this important truth and become distracted or led astray when we are lonely, dissatisfied with our home life or church, and so on. When we were new to homeschooling and still young in the faith, we met some very nice people in our local homeschool  group who showed us the ropes, organized and hosted activities, and just came across as perfect role models. The word “perfect” should sound an alarm because that was exactly the problem: They weren’t perfect and it was several years later that their marriage fell apart. When we first met, the wife tried to convince us to join a para-church group they belonged to that a lot of other homeschoolers around the country also belonged to. If you ever talked to these people, the name of this charismatic leader would always come up. He was mentioned more than God even though he was supposed to be simply a Christian leader, pointing to and directing people to God, not himself. We were wary and never followed this man. One of the weirdest things he taught was that Christians shouldn’t adopt because a verse in Exodus (20:5) states that God will punish those who hate Him to the third and fourth generation. Therefore, he espoused that there was a risk of unwittingly adopting a child who basically had a curse on his or her head, which could be a problem for the rest of the family as well.

My point in telling this story is to say that I am so grateful that we did not follow this man. Young Christian women, hear this: Any time a person’s name figures as prominently – or even more prominently – than God the Father, God the Son, or God the Holy Spirit, run fast in the opposite direction. If you follow an idol, then you are an idolator.

Several of the families that we know who used to follow this charismatic leader are no longer families. Divorce is just as common in the Christian, homeschooling community as it is outside of it. This may be shocking, but I’m married to an attorney who primarily practices family law, so I’m speaking knowledgeably. Most of the families just mentioned fell apart because the husband decided to have a mid-life affair. As shocking as it may be, Christian homeschooling fathers aren’t impervious to temptation, and their spouses aren’t without fault either.

The other major negative about following this man – besides the temptation to put someone other than God in first place – was the legalism associated with his directives. Legalism is adding to God’s word. This same woman once told me that drumbeats were sinful because that was the kind of instrument used by pagan tribes in Africa. This kind of thinking can lead to a rigid, extra-Biblical view of music and cause a person to want to make rules that simply don’t exist in God’s Word. Music is not inherently sinful. There are no inherently sinful instruments either. There was plenty of dancing and singing going on in the Bible during the worship of God.

Even though we escaped following this man, we weren’t beyond following certain “trends” within our relatively tight-knit community. I remember my sister-in-law remarking that all the women in my church wore “sack dresses.” At the time, I was mildly offended, but I’ve since come to agree with her and remember what another friend wisely said many years ago. “If modesty’s the issue, you can be more modest in certain pants than in some of the dresses and skirts that are in style now.” Of course, this didn’t really apply to “sack dresses” because you couldn’t possibly get more modest than that: there’s no shape visible in one of those, ever. Dressing modestly is important, but women should also try to look attractive and appealing to their husbands. You want your husband to imagine certain things when he looks at you, right ladies?

Along with the sack dress issue comes a more important point: What’s going on in the mind of a woman wearing one of those garments? Is she truly humble before God or does she somehow feel even the teensiest bit more superior because of her modest clothing? If she feels even one molecule more superior than the next lady, then there is something wrong and sinful in her heart and there’s no amount of cloth that can fix that. Only God can fix that—and that woman needs His help.

I’ve known women in this group who also had the idea that the earlier they arose in the morning, the more spiritual they were. Getting up early is not what makes a person godly. And, just like the previous illustration, if getting up early on a regular basis makes this woman think she is at all deserving of extra favor in God’s sight, she’s wrong. These same people also tend to beat themselves up for falling short. Both ways of thinking are wrong and take our minds off of God. If you know that you have truly fallen short in some way, ask God for forgiveness and then move on. Surely, if Christ has forgiven you, you can forgive yourself, right? If you don’t, what you are really saying is that you know better than God.

Both men and women get bored and/or frustrated in their marriages, and when that happens, they tend to look elsewhere for friendship or more. Don’t allow this to happen in the first place. Remember that first there is God, then there is your spouse. God is always most important, and the next most important person is your spouse. The “triangle” should never become a polygon.

Finally, always try to remain humble by keeping a proper perspective of God and your relationship to Him, because it is human nature to either start thinking too highly of ourselves or conversely, to take too much responsibility for our shortcomings. We will fail. It is more pleasing to God, however, to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep working for His kingdom, rather than pleasing His enemy by becoming paralyzed by your disappointment.